Gusto niyo ba tumawa?? Dito jokes oh!!!!!!

[Super Noob]

Ok lang kahit corny basta merong joke!!
Here goes mine!!!!!!
Joke # 1 :

A mother talking to her ill son :

Mom : Nak, kain ka na o... Kahit tatlong kuchara lang...

Son : Di ko po talaga kaya eh... Mahirap kumain pag may sakit...

Mom : Sige na anak, tatlong kuchara lang.

Son : NAY! DI BA KAYO MAKAINTINDI HA?! Pagkain nga ndi ako makakain, kuchara pa kaya!






Joke # 2 :

Apo talking to her Lola

Apo : Lola, galing ng teacher ko!

Grandma : Bakit naman?

Apo : Kasi po tinuruan na kami ng kagandahang asal kanina eh!

Grandma : Aba! Edi marunong ka na mag opo at po?

Apo : Natural! T*ng* ka ba?!





Joke # 3

GF: Huhuhuhuhu... bakit natin ginawa to? Nagalaw na ako... huhuhu.. at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!

BF: HOY ISA LANG AH!!!

GF: BAKIT?! DI BA NATIN UULITIN MAMAYA?!





Joke # 4

1 Binatilyo pumasok sa gay bar, nalaman ng nanay nya at nagalit :

Nanay : Ano ang nakita mo dun na ndi mo dapat nakita?!

Anak : Si tatay po! TUMITILI PA!!! XD




Joke # 5

Steward talking to a Filipino :

S: Sir, are you done?

F: No, I'm Juan

S: Sir, what I mean is are you finished?

F: No, I'm filipino

S: SIR! I mean are you THROUGH?!

F: DEMNNN! What do you think of me?! False?!?! Oh come on!





Joke # 6

A Filipino rides a french plane to go to france :

Filipino : Excuse me miss, do you have a restroom here?

French Stewardess : Perdon?

Filipino : Do you have a restroom here? Reeesttt Roooom. *Pinapawisan na*

French Stewardess : Oui oui!!

Filipino : No no!!! Uu! UU!!!!

Boy after seeing mom's pubic hair...

Boy: Mama! Mama! ano pong twag dyan?
Mom: Ay wala ito anak, Walis lang ito... bakit anak?
Boy: Aaaa... wala lang po mama. Nakita ko lang po kasi si yaya na winawalis ang mukha ni papa.

hAri: Ano gusto mo parusa sa kasalanan mo? Ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog fwet mo?
Roland: Bubuyog na lang po!
hAri: Kawal! Ilabas si Jollibee!

**
Roland: Kevs! Nasaksak ako!! Walang hinto agos ng dugo!! Please call me a doctor
Kevs: Sige! your a Doctor! Doctor ka Roland! You're a Doctor! Doctor kaaaaaa!!

**
nsa bubong ang isang bata, namboboso sa kuya niya at sa gf nito.

GF: Paano 'pag nabuntis ako?
Kuya: Bahala na ang nasa taas!

Bata: Hala! Bakit ako? Nanunuod lang naman ako!

**

Isang lalake nagdadasal sa imahe ni jesus na nakapako sa krus

Lalake: Lord, sana naman sagutin na niya ako.
biglang sumagot ang imahe ni Jesus
Imahe: Nangliligaw ka ba sa kaniya?
Lalake: hindi nga po e, hiya ako.
Imahe: Kung hindi lang ako nakapako dito, sisipain kita diyan.

**
Isang bata ang biglang sumalubong sa kaniyang mommy na kararating lang.

Mommy: Anak, sa'n si daddy?
Anak: Nasa kwarto po, nakahiga umuungol pa nga e.
Mommy: Hala! Bakit hindi mo tinawag si yaya o hindi mo man lang ginising daddy mo?
Anak: Gising po 'yong si daddy sure ako.
Mommy: Bakit naman?
Anak: E ikaw ba naman ang pangibabawan ni yaya at talunan ng paulit-ulit 'pag hindi ka talaga nagising.

**
Isang lalake ang hinahabol ng lion para kainin.
Lalake: Lord, sana naman po bumait at maging religious 'tong lion na 'to at wag na niya akong kainin.
Nadapa ang lalake at napilayan. Inabutan siya ng lion at akmang kakainina na.
Lalake: Lord, sana po bumait na siya.
Biglang lumuhod ang lion sa harap ng lalake.
Lalake: Wow! Lord thank you po!
Lion: Lord, salamat po sa pagkaing ibinigay niyo sa akin ngayon. Nawa'y bigyan ako ng panibagong lakas ng pagkaing inilaan niyo sa aking harapan.

**
May magkaibigan ang nagyayabangan.
Lalake 1: Pare ako nakasakay na ng escalator.
Lalake 2: E wala ka ako elevator.
Biglang sumingit ang isa pang lalake.
Lalake 3: Nasakyan ko na pareho 'yan.
Roland: Calculator nasakyan mo na?
Lalake 3: Oo naman ako pa?

Joke 01:

Waiter: Sir, what will you have?
American: Swiss steak and French fries!
Waiter: What about you, sir?
Filipino: Ganon din, sweepstake, yong first prize!


Joke 02:

There was once a mirror that killed anyone who lied:
FVR: I think I don't smoke.(KILLED!)
Cory: I think I hate yellow.(KILLED!)
GMA: I think I'm tall.(KILLED!)
Erap: I think...(KILLED!!!)

Guro: Cno c Jose Rrizal?
Juan: D ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe: D rin po.
Guro: D nyo kilala c Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po s kabilang section sya!

---

a mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed.
after a song dumapa sya.
the nurse asked...
"O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"
he answered: "Adik ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"

---

Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot ?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot And Friends?

Teacher: How many liters does a Coke Liter have ?
Student: Maam, it has 4 liters
Teacher: Why do u say a Coke Liter has 4 Liters ?
Student: Bcuz maam it has Liter C, Liter O, Liter K, and Liter E.
Teacher: I don't ask the LETTERS and ur answer is wrong.

Doctor: Have u been to anybody b4 u came 2 me ?
Patient: Yes I approached the pharmacist 4 a piece of advice
Doctor: And what foolishness did he tell u ?
Patient: He told me to come to you.

Jeepney Driver: Dalawa kyo sasakay ?
Passenger: Oo magkasama nga kmi.
Jeepney Driver: Ung kasama mo bawal sumakay (napansin nya ang kasama nya ay isa plang unggoy)
Passenger: Bkit bawal sya sumakay ?
Jeepney Driver: BAWAL PO ANG SABIT ang kasama nyo bka mahuli tyo ng MMDA.

Patient: How is my condition on my brain, doc ?
Doctor: Well Sir, I have a bad news 4 u.
Patient: What's the bad news ?
Doctor: The bad news is that ur brain has a TUMOR.
Patient: But doc, I have only one brain now u're telling me I have TWO MORE brains ?

Son: Daddy, are caterpillars are good 2 eat ?
Father: No son, I told u never mention such thing while were eating dinner.
Mother: Why did u say that 2 ur father ?
Father: I told u to observe ur dinner manners.
Son: Just bcuz I saw one on daddy's lettuce, now it is gone he probably ate it.
Father : No wonder, the lettuce tastes so weird.

joke1:
Question: Sino asawa ni mr.bean?
(sinasagot nung iba si mrs. bean daw wahaha)

Answer: si Abrilla..

(ask nila sino un)

Answer ulit: Abrilla Bean..
(sa mga di nkagets basa dyan Avril Lavigne)


Joke2: (eto corny to lam ko)
Question: Sa beauty and the beast, ano apelyido ni beast?










Answer: Cuit..

(ask sila bakit Cuit)

Answer: Beast-Cuit..

Erap acted as a museum guide.

Bata: Sir, kanino po yang malaking bungo?
Erap: Yan? Si Magellan yan!
Bata: Eh aun pong maliit?
Erap: Si Magellan din yan noong bata pa siya!


Bruno: Anu yang nasa papel na yan?
Juan: Listahan ng mga takot sa akin.
Bruno: Tingin nga! Bakit andito ako?!
Juan: Bakit?! Laban ka?!
Bruno: Oo!!
Juan: Edi burahin! Problem ba yun?

Famous Quotes :
"Cge! Kalimutan mo na ako para malaman ng lahat ang baho mo!!!"






- Deodorant





"Sige! Magpakasaya ka! Alam ko naman na katawan ko lang ang habol mo!"







-Hipon


"Kung ginalingan mo ang pagsupsop habang matigas pa ako, hindi ka malalagkitan o magkakatulo! Mabagal kang kumilos! mabagal ka! MABAGAL!!!"







-Ice Candy


"Madugo man ang buhay ko, abot kamay ko naman ang langit "








-Napkin




"Hindi ko hinangan na ipagmalaki mo ako... Ang ayaw ko lang naman eh, sa harap ng madaming tao ganun m nlang ako itanggi..."








-Utot




"Hindi lang babae ang pwede maglipstick!"










-Ronald McDonald



Eto panapos... =))


"Hindi lahat ng maasim ay may vitamin C!"
















-Kilikili

Wife & Husband Joke
Wife : Hubarin mo bra ko!
Husband : Ayan hubad na!
Wife : Pati ang panty ko!
Husband : Ayan O hubad na!
Wife : sa susunod ha!, wag mo ng susuotin mga gamit ko ha!? ikaw **** ka!

Juan Jokes
Juan & Teacher

Teacher : Juan! kanino nagpaalam si Jose Rizal bago siya namatay?
Juan : Mam! Kay Huling Po!
Teacher : Ha? Sino huling?
Juan : Diba nga po, sinulat niya bago siya namatay "Huling Paalam"

"Hindi lahat ng walang salawal bastos"






-- WINNIE THE POOH






"Hindi lahat ng pink kikay"







-- Ma Jin Boo (Dragon Ball)








"Hindi lahat ng bubuyog itim"









-- Jollibee

[0209]

joke01
1st guy:"'Tol, bakit nasa telepono ka at hawak mo ang lotto ticket, panalo ka ba?"

2nd guy:"Hindi pa kaya nga tinatawagan ko rin si Garci, para maka-siguro."

1st guy:"one million ha!"

joke02

Maryjane: Ni-rape po ako sa library.

Judge: Aba, lintik naman! Maraming tao sa library, hindi ka sumigaw?

Maryjane: Hindi po. Kasi po, merong sign na, ‘SILENCE PLEASE

joke03
prez bush and erap visited mindanao.Bush: By d way mr. president hows d present peace n order here in mindanao?Erap: A ung fish marami d2 pro ung order wala pa!!!

joke04

ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext. ~ LOI: (P2 send) ~ ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks! ~ LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!! ~ ERAP: ok!

joke05

Gloria: wala ng problema ang ating bansa, wala ng kapitalismo,wala ng imperyalismo angnatirang problema na lang ay Akonamismo.........

joke06

You can now identify people through DNA: Taong-grasa : DNAliligo ~ Unano : DNAtatangkad ~ Payatot : DNAkumakain ~ Osama Bin Laden : DNAhuhuli ~ Ping Lacson : DNAtatakot ~Erap : DNAmakapambabae ~GMA : DNAaamin

joke07

Q:Bakit nakatingala si Cory sa langit? A:Nagdarasal siya. Q:Bakit nakatingala si FVR sa langit? A:Para ibuga ang usok ng tabako. Q:Bakit nakatingala si GMA sa langit? A: Nag-iisip kung papaano siya makakalusot sa issue.Q: Bakit nakatingala si Erap sa langit? A: Nagbibilang ng bituin.

joke08

Si Erap pumunta sa isa sa pinaka magandang hotel at sa bar siya tumuloy. Erap: "waiter bigyan mo ako ng Johnny walker Blue". Waiter: "Yes Sir, rite away". Pagbigay ng waiter ng inumin, nagtanong ang waiter. Waiter:" Ano po masasabi ninyo sa Ambiance namin? Erap(pagalit na sinabi): Di naman ako nag-order ng Ambiance ah...

joke09


May conference ang mga former Presidents ng Philippines. Ginanap ito sa isang hotel... naghihintay ang mga presidente sa lobby nang mapansin nila ang isang fish tank sa gilid. Lumapit una si Cory at tinitigan ang isang isda.. maya-maya biglang nagmukhang cory ung isda... namangha si erap sa nakita.. sumunod si FVR, nang titigan din nya ang isda, naging kamukha din niya ang isda! Naintriga na talaga si Erap at nagtanong kay FVR. "Pano mo nagawa yun?" sagot ni FVR, "mind over matter lang yun." Hmmm.. subukan nga, sabi ni erap sa sarili.. tinitigan nya ang isda.. matagal... after 15 minutes, Naging isda si erap!!!!

joke 10

one time may pa contest paunhan sa pagkuha ng sukat ng luneta... contestants are given 100 pesos na pwede nilang gamitin... TIP: bibili ako ng 10 ruler para magsukat!TUP: bibili ako ng 5 meter sticks at mag susukat! MAPUA:mag mimiryenda muna ako! then pupunta ako sa city hall at tatanungin ko yung architect dun kung ano ang sukat ng luneta! (maabilidad!!!)

joke11

Students talking: ---ADMU: Ol ur money, its jst my alowncs 4 a wik. DLSU: ol ur money, its jst myallownce 4 a day... MAPUA: ANAmputchak! Finals nyo, seatwork lng namin!!!

joke12



Lsalle: pre wanna ride with my new car?Ateneo: pre ok pa ito second hand nga lang,Ust: pre pa-ayos ko yung makina, kinakalawang na eh,Feu: tol, may extra tambutso ka ba dyan? nalaglag eh,Sti: pre magkano na pamasahe ngayon?Ama: pre, 7.50 minimum,,,Sti: manong may taripa na ba keo?Ama: meron na.... studyante ka ba? 6.00 lan bayad mo!,,,almighty la salle
almighty glory to lasalle \m/


YOU ARE A PINOy

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FILIPINO IF..."You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon." ~ ~ ~ You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married. ~ ~ ~You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper." ~ ~ ~You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets.~ ~ ~ You keep a fly swatter in your kitchen.~ ~ ~ Your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.~ ~ ~ You recycle shopping bags as garbage bags.~ ~ ~ You have a piano that no one plays.~ ~ ~ You keep a tabo in your bathroom.~ ~ ~ You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellant.~ ~ ~ You think a meal is not a meal without rice.~ ~ ~ you use walis tambo and walis ting-ting~ ~ ~ you put up your knee while eating ~ ~ ~ you eat kanin and ulam using your hand ~ ~ ~ you are pakialamero n chismosa ~ ~ ~ you say Sugarol, babaero at tumador ~ ~ ~ you say CR instead of Restroom. ~ ~ ~ you say For Take Out instead of to go. ~ ~ ~ you say open or close the lights~ ~ ~ you say Colgate instead of toothpaste~ ~ ~ you say "Canteen" instead of cafeteria, ~ ~ ~ you eat under-developed duck eggs. ~ ~ ~ you call it a "ballpen" , not a "pen" ~ ~ ~ you pronounce the word ALREADY as OLREYDI. ~ ~ ~ you refer to to your refrigerator as "pridyider" or ?rep?~ ~ ~ your grandma smiles and her teeth are all red because of "nga-nga" ~ ~ ~ you say "pliers" when you meant "fliers" ~ ~ ~ you say "pregnant dog" when you meant "beach" ~ ~ ~ you didn't hear or understand something and your first expression is "HA?"~ ~ ~ you say "ano" this and "ano" that ~ ~ ~ you say things sorta backwards like towel paper instead of paper towel and stickbread instead of breadsticks. ~ ~ ~ you say "aray" instead of "ouch ". ~ ~ ~ you have toyo circles on your table cloths. ~ ~ ~ You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals.~ ~ ~


pinoy ka pag kumakain ka ng tinapay isinasawsaw mo sa cafe......tapos, iinumin yung pinagsawsawan....ngeeeeekkk


Pinoy ka: Kung ang kotse mo ay kakaragkarag pero tumatakbo pa,at napag-tyatyagaan. Iba talaga ang NOYPI!!!



isang pinoy ang nahuli sa no Parking area sa america. pag lapit ng pulis,kinukuha yung kanyang driver's license at carregistration. Nagalit ang pinoy at tinanong yung officer: WHATS WRONG WITH MY PARADE? (no masama sa parada ko?-tagalog version)....ngeekkkk


enjoy lang kayo dahil iba ang pinoy

[[kiEL]]

KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)

Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?

Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.

Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?

Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"

DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE

Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!

MAKING A SPEECH

While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.

Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?

Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.

ERAP'S DARE

Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!

Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!

Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!


SAVE

FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
to escape because of the commotion.

It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching
the execution panicked. She was able to escape.

Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!".

Q & A AGAIN

Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!

Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!

Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.

Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6
Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5
Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7
Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but
no progress

Hot News:
Plan assasination for Erap failed.
Erap was shot in the head with
.45 caliber pistol but survived dahil
walang utak na tinamaan.

Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon:
Be careful, Erap is checking all text
messages ngayon. Text in English
para di ma-detect.

Talumpati ni Erap:
"Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na
ang problema natin sa Komunismo,
Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa
Imperyalismo. Ang problema nalang
natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."

MOTTO

Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na
"LATANG PINOY"?
Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating
slogan na "THE FILIPINO CAN".
Di ba mas maganda ngayon?


FATIGUE

Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga
sundalo natin na lumalaban sa
ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay
Erap. Ganon ba? tanong ni Erap.
"Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng
Khaki for a change."

GIVE ME

Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.

FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.

Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too.

PREFERENCE

Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila.
FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?

ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa
nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.

STUCK

Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil
huli na ito sa meeting.
Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
dalawang oras.
Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang
oras kang nakatayo roon habang
naghihintay ka ng koryente?
Aide: ganon na nga po.
Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido!
Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang
umupo.

ANG GANTIMPALA

Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na
maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng
pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang
barko ng bigla itong lumubog.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue
team ang dumating. At ni-rescue
si erap ng isang kabataang lalake.
Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang
gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay
ko sa yo?
Lalaki: wheelchair po.
Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka
naman pilay?
Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng
tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo,
siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.


LOST IN LA

Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
He called his assistant and said

Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.

Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?

Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
gas station.

Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
gas station in downtown L.A.

Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"

ERAP IN LIBRARY

Erap in Library

"What time does the library open?" Erap on the
phone asked.

"Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea
of calling me at home in the middle of the night
to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
sadly. "I want to get out!"

ERAP VISITING ALASKA

Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong
siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.

Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the
Philippines it's hot".

Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si
Erap,bakit daw.
Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska
is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"

CRYING

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"


IN LABOR

One particular day many years ago, Erap's
wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

QUIZ SHOW


The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"

Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?

Erap: Clue please !!!

Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"

Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"

Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....

Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...

Emcee: ngyek !!!...


ANOTHER EXAMPLE

Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?

ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?

ERAP: How about another Carabao?


TESTING

As Erap's Driver test drive it.

Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)

Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.

Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)

Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.

Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)

Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......


ELECTRIC FAN

Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and

elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?

Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?

Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

ERAP SA JEOPARDY

Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"...
Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...


Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas..
ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor ??
Hinimatay ang Emcee.


TRANSLATION

Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.

"We must strive"
Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.

"We must help others"
Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.

"In union there is strenght"
Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!


COMPARISON

In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.

In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.


THE DIFFERENCE

FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?

ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!

SUNOG

Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
PSG para makalabas.

"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.

"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?

Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.

STYLE

Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.

"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"
tanong ng reporter.

"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand
for sex, my wife supplies?"

Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"

"Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni
Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.


SEX IN THE MOVIES

Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"

Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex
sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."

KAMUKHA DAW

Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?

Erap: Mukha kang pera.

FIRST LOVE

Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:

Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.

BIRTHDAY

Reporter: When is your birthday?
Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
Reporter: What year?
Erap: Every year.

[sheylah]

hahahaha....! corny ung iba pero ung iba nakakatawa pa rin.. nice one..